The other day I was walking to work when I encountered a somewhat strange sight. There was what looked like a homeless man crouched down behind a dustbin with an empty drinks carton in his hand and he was talking into it as if it was a walkie talkie. As I watched on I could see he was totally engrossed in a make believe World where he was some sort of army commando on a secret mission.
I wondered if he might be under the influence of drugs or alcohol or even if he suffered some sort of mental illness but at the same time I was conscious not to make any judgement of this person as I had no idea who he was and what his personal circumstances were. But then another thought crossed my mind which was something I started to ponder in more detail. I had thought he was engrossed in a make believe World initially but then I thought who am I to say that my version of reality is right and his isn’t?
“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth” – Marcus Aurelius
One of the fundamentals of psychology and mindfulness that I have learnt over the Years is the understanding that anything that happens has no meaning. What we experience is purely our interpretation of reality based on our own experiences and beliefs… and every single persons reality is different.
Here’s an example: On a particular day it rains all day non stop. The rain itself has no meaning but to the farmer in the middle of a drought it is as if a miracle has happened and to the bride who planned an outdoor wedding with no wet weather plan (which I wouldn’t recommend) it is totally devastating. Both people have viewed the same thing in completely opposite ways.
The good news is that when we have awareness of this we can choose to change our negative perceptions of anything that happens to more positive ones which ultimately make us feel happier. This is the main principle of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which is widely used by psychotherapists all over the World.
Based on this principle here are a few tools you can integrate into your daily life. Firstly when you notice that you are having negative thoughts about a situation or a person, ask yourself ‘What is my current belief that is leading to these thoughts?’ Once you have identified this belief, then ask yourself ‘If this belief is not serving me, what could be a more positive interpretation of this situation?’. For example, a little while ago I left my car for 10 minutes longer then I had paid for on my parking ticket and I got a fine. When I saw the fine I started getting angry and annoyed. I believed that I was always so unlucky and why did the attendant have to pick on me. My belief was that I was a victim. When I became aware of the negative thoughts, emotions and belief that I was a victim, I asked myself ‘What could be a more positive interpretation of this situation?’. I realised that I had to shift my belief from one of being a victim to being responsible. I realised it was my fault and nobody else’s that I was 10 minutes late getting back to my car and the attendant was only doing his job. Whilst it still wasn’t ideal that I had to pay a fine, my new, more positive, interpretation was that it was a valuable lesson to take greater responsibility for my time keeping.
Another area where it is common to experience negative thoughts and emotions is when other people have different opinions to ours and we think we are right and they are wrong. A good tool to diffuse your feelings in these situations is something similar to what Chade-Meng Tan writes about in his book Search Inside Yourself. When you find any sort of negative emotion arising towards another person, just repeat to yourself ‘This person may have different opinions, attitudes, beliefs and values to me, but this person wants to be happy just like me. This person wants to be clear from suffering just like me. This is a human being just like me’. By repeating this to yourself you can still disagree with someone but also be more accepting and non judgmental at the same time.
Ultimately every person is looking through a different set of eyes and sees a different view of the World, so hows the view for you?